When someone you love has a child in the pediatric cardiac intensive care unit, it can be hard to know what to say or do. You want to help. You want to make things easier. But there is no gift card, casserole or perfectly worded text that can make a child’s heart better.
That doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do.
In fact, some of the most helpful things have very little to do with the child’s medical care. Things that keep the rest of the family cared for and connected to the world outside the hospital. If you have a friend or family member living in the CICU right now, here are some practical ways you can show up for them.
Feed Them
Start a meal train. Make a dinner. Text a food delivery gift card. Bring snacks to the hospital.
Food is often the last thing on a CICU parent’s mind. They may go hours without eating because there is always another doctor to talk to, another round of medications, another procedure or another update. Then, when they finally realize they are starving, they are dropping $15 on a bland cafeteria meal or piecing together a vending machine dinner because it is the only option available at that moment.
If you’re bringing food to the hospital, ask what they actually want and whether there are any allergies or dietary restrictions. You don’t have to make a Pinterest-worthy spread. Sometimes the most helpful meal is a sandwich and a bag of their favorite chips or a meal delivery gift card that lets them order exactly what sounds good at 9:00 p.m. on a stressful Tuesday.
Offer Specific Help
“How can I help?” is one of those questions that comes from a genuinely good place, but it can be surprisingly difficult for a CICU parent to answer. This offer is usually met with “I don’t know” or “Keep us in your thoughts” even though there are a million little things a CICU parent really could use, they just can’t pinpoint anything in the moment.
Their brain is in overload all the time. They are processing medical information, making decisions, worrying about their child, trying to sleep and attempting to keep up with everything happening at home. Asking them to stop and identify what you could do for them may be one more decision they don’t have the bandwidth to make.
Instead, offer something specific.
- “I’m going to mow your lawn Saturday. Does that work?”
- “I’m headed to the grocery store. Send me your list.”
- “I can pick the kids up from practice Thursday.”
- “I’m doing laundry tomorrow. Send me a bag.”
- “I’m bringing you dinner tonight. What sounds better, pizza or subs?”
A friend once arranged and paid for lawn care for our family for a couple of months. She didn’t get in touch so I could iron out the details. She saw something that needed to be done and took it off our plate. That was an enormous gift during a time when even basic household tasks were completely overwhelming.
You can do the same thing in a hundred different ways. Run laundry. Cover a shopping trip. Pick up toiletries. Bring supplies to the hospital. Take care of the dog. Shovel the driveway. Grab coffee. Handle an errand they don’t have time to think about.
The smaller the task seems, the more likely it may be something that has completely fallen through the cracks.
Help With the Other Kids
If there are siblings at home, they still need to be kids.
Offer to take on basketball practice duties. Pick them up from school. Have them over for a play date. Take them to the zoo for a fun afternoon. Invite them over for pizza and a movie. Whatever fits your life and theirs.
It is incredibly easy for siblings to feel invisible when their brother or sister suddenly needs so much attention. Their parents know it, too. They feel guilty about the things they are missing and the moments they aren’t there for. They are trying to divide themselves between the hospital and home while making decisions they never imagined they would have to make.
You can help both of them.
Giving a sibling a fun afternoon doesn’t mean they forget about the child in the CICU. It means you are helping make sure the child at home doesn’t feel forgotten either. Sometimes what a sibling needs most is just to have someone ask about their day and let them be a kid for a few hours.
Don’t Try to Fix It. Just Be There.
This one may be the hardest because when someone you love is hurting, your instinct is to make it better. You want to find the right words or the right solution. You want to reassure them that everything is going to be okay.
But sometimes there is no fix. At least not one that can be performed by someone who isn’t a skilled surgeon.
And unless you have been in the same situation, you probably can’t fully understand what that family is experiencing. You don’t have to pretend that you can.
You can just be there.
Listen without trying to solve it. Let them be angry. Let them cry. Let them talk about how scared they are. Let them complain about the hospital food or the doctor who didn’t explain something well or the relative who said the absolute wrong thing. Sometimes they may desperately need to talk about something completely unrelated to the hospital.
Follow their lead.
And don’t forget to reach out instead of waiting for them to reach out to you. It may take them a while to answer. They may never answer, but I can promise you that touchpoint, that text means the world.
You may not be able to change what is happening in the CICU. You can’t make the surgery happen faster, make a donor heart appear or give them the answers they desperately want.
But you can make sure they eat. You can give their other kids an afternoon where they get to laugh. You can mow the lawn, pick up groceries or bring a bag of clean laundry to the hospital. You can sit on the other end of the phone and listen.
You can show up.
And sometimes, that’s exactly what a CICU family needs.