Survival Glam: When Glitter Becomes a Grind
There’s a myth I need to break open. Maybe for you, but definitely for me.
It’s the myth that all this sparkle equals strength. I know, from the founder of Sparkle Strong, this seems like it’s getting a little at odds. But hear me out. It’s the myth that a cute ICU tote or my heart-shaped sunnies perched atop my curls in the face of chaos mean “she’s got this.” That a color-coded med tracker and a perfectly packed hospital go-bag say more than the panic behind my eyes ever could.
This is where Survival Glam lives.
I coined the phrase mid-scroll, mid-crack, mid-collapse, and it landed like a truth bomb. Survival Glam is the name I gave to the phenomenon where trauma, caregiving and chaos are masked into looking like you’ve got your shit together. It’s not just a look. It’s a performance of resilience.
And it’s exhausting.
…a color-coded med tracker and a perfectly packed hospital go-bag say more than the panic behind my eyes ever could.
Why We Cling to the Glam
Survival Glam is seductive. It gives the illusion of:
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Control: At least I look like I’m OK.
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Praise: “You’re amazing! I don’t know how you do it!”
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Protection: Don’t look at the fear, look at the resilience.
It’s also reinforced by what psychology knows and what many of us live without naming.
Superwoman Schema, coined by Cheryl Woods-Giscombé, PhD, a nurse scholar and researcher in Black women’s health, says we’re supposed to be strong, suppress emotion, and never show weakness, especially as women of color. Survival Glam checks every one of those boxes…in highlights and lip gloss.
Toxic Positivity explored by psychologists like Whitney Goodman, LMFT, is the pressure to maintain a cheerful, can-do attitude even in the face of serious hardship. It tells you there’s no room for fear, grief or rage. Think “good vibes only.” But when you’re parenting in a hospital room or juggling trauma and med schedules, toxic positivity becomes emotional suffocation.
Cognitive Dissonance, introduced by social psychologist Leon Festinger in the 1950s, describes the tension that arises when your internal truth doesn’t match your external performance. You know you’re barely holding it together, but the world sees you as “inspirational.” It’s the tension between what you feel and what you’re showing. You know you’re falling apart, but your Facebook updatse say you’re thriving. That gap? That ache? That’s the dissonance.
And if that’s ringing any psychological bells? You’re not wrong. There’s actual academic backbone behind what we’ve been feeling.
The Cost of the Sparkle
Sure, it gets you through. But it also:
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Mutes your pain
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Masks your burnout
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Makes rest feel like failure
It’s wild how convincing the glam can be. It buys you a little space. A little applause. A sense that if you’re still shiny, maybe things aren’t that bad. But underneath the shimmer, things can start to unravel. You’re praised for being strong when you’re actually holding on by a thread, and the praise encourages you to stay in the cycle. You’re seen as inspirational while you quietly wonder if you’re drowning. You start to perform connection instead of living it. That’s the real cost of Survival Glam. It doesn’t just hide your grief. It teaches you to decorate it. Until one day, you stop and ask the question that cracks the whole illusion:
“Am I actually OK… or just covered in glitter?”
Let’s Just Be Honest for a Second
You’re going through hard shit. We’re going through hard shit.
Not just “busy” or “overwhelmed.” I’m talking ICU monitors, impossible choices, tears in the checkout line, your kids asking questions you don’t have answers for. The kind of hard you don’t even have language for.
And I know you’ve trained yourself to smile through it. To say, “We’re good! Just staying strong.” Me, too.
Guess what? You don’t have to do that here.
You’re allowed to look like what you’ve lived through.
You can be tired.
You can say “I’m not okay.”
But Here’s Where It Gets Messy and Kind of Beautiful
Because sometimes the sparkle isn’t just a cover. Sometimes it’s a coping mechanism that works. You start the fundraiser, you launch the nonprofit, you drop off care kits, you write the reflection post. Not because you’re pretending to be okay, but because creating something meaningful helps you feel okay. Maybe it is coping. Maybe it’s also contribution. Maybe you’re transmuting your trauma into something useful. Something generous. Something real.
So, no, I don’t think serving, inspiring, tasking well is the problem. I think the danger comes when it’s the only place you’re allowing yourself to exist. When it becomes the only identity people recognize. When being “the strong one” becomes a default instead of a choice.
Here’s the question I’m learning to ask myself: Am I offering this from a place of connection or obligation?
Absolutely, doing good can heal. But it shouldn’t hollow you out. And that’s the thing no one talks about, how easily doing good can tip into doing harm. Not to others. To yourself.
The Tipping Point of Survival Glam
I started Sparkle Strong from a place of heartbreak and grief. I bought the backpacks. I stocked the snacks. I designed the logos and filed the paperwork. I did it all while living on savings and Disney commissions with a garage full of classroom supplies I walked away from when I left my teaching job to keep my medically fragile baby girl alive.
I’ll be okay. Of course, we still absolutely adore your donations. I have privileges: resourcefulness, a support system, experience. But someone else? Someone without those things, trying to perform resilience while quietly bleeding behind the scenes?
She could go broke. She could burn out. She could break.
When Survival Glam becomes your only safe identity, you don’t just hide the pain, you build an empire of it. But if no one sees the cracks and helps, that empire can collapse in silence.
That’s why I’m writing this. Not to indict the sparkle. But to interrogate it. To ask: What are we holding up, and what is it costing us to keep it standing?
Naming the Trap Is Power
This isn’t about rejecting beauty or banning your coping skills. It’s about being honest.
What are you holding together?
Who are you performing for?
And what would it mean to rest and still be resilient?
I’m not here to tell you to stop showing up with lip gloss and glitter. I’m just asking you to look beneath it. To notice the places where the shine feels like scaffolding instead of self-expression. Where strength is a costume, not a choice. You don’t have to erase the glam. Just get curious about what’s driving it. Maybe some of it’s armor. Maybe some of it’s therapy. But you deserve to be whole and not just held together. You don’t have to sparkle to be seen.
Love,
Jess
Feeling seen? Share this with another medical mama or caregiver who’s been showing up with sparkle and strength. Let’s unmask together.